▸ Column · Modern grounded comic — a reader's letter forwarded to Logan, present day
WOLVERINE replies.
The letter
My boyfriend Theo did a "British butler" voice as a goof at my cousin's wedding back in March — ramrod posture, "Very good, madam" every time someone asked him to pass the rolls. It killed. Now, three months later, he won't quit. He answered the door to my mother in the voice. He ordered Domino's in the voice. Last Tuesday he informed our vet that our cat Marzipan "appears to be experiencing a spot of urinary distress." The vet gave me a look of such pure pity that I had to pretend I was in on the bit too — so now the vet thinks we BOTH do this, which we do not. I love Theo, and the voice is genuinely funny for about forty seconds. But I am running out of ways to convince service workers my partner is not mid-medical-event.
Wolverine replies
I ain't the guy you write to about jokes. I got a friend who never shuts up — he'd write you a novel. But you didn't ask about the voice. Not really.
Here's the bone of it: the voice ain't your problem. You said it yourself — funny for forty seconds. Your problem is you're about to ask him to knock it off and you don't know if he will. That's the whole thing. A bit's just a bit till it costs somebody, and right now it's costin' you — the vet's pity, you coverin' for him while a cat named Marzipan runs up a bill.
So tell him. Once. Plain. Not at a party, not as a gag back — alone, sober, lookin' at him. "It stopped bein' funny. Drop it. For me." Then watch what he does. A man who can put down a laugh when somebody he loves asks, when there's nothin' in it for him but doin' right by you — that tells you more than three months of laughs did. I judge people by that. Always have. Probably the voice just goes quiet and you both forget this. But you'll know somethin' you didn't. That's worth one hard sentence.
— Wolverine
Deadpool weighs in
Logan. Buddy. You outsourced the funny to me and then answered like you're sweatin' a parolee. "Watch what he does." Pal, I'm RIGHT HERE.
Here's what you whiffed on, Grumpy: Theo killed ONCE at a wedding and now he's terrified the butler's the only version of him anybody wants in the room. I'd know. I'm the guy who can't put the voice down — narrator, back me up. Don't ask him to drop the bit cold, that's amputation. Ask him for one true sentence first: "I keep doing this 'cause I'm scared I'm boring without it." Then he can "Very good, madam" all he likes. Joke as a chaser, fine. Joke as a bunker — that's your leak. ...Marzipan's gonna live forever out of spite, by the way.
— Deadpool
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