▸ Column · Modern grounded comic — present-day, Deadpool answering reader mail between mercenary gigs
DEADPOOL replies.
The letter
My boyfriend started a bit a few months back where he treats our microwave like a disgruntled employee named Gerald — sighing when it beeps, muttering "classic Gerald" when the plate sticks, leaving it passive-aggressive sticky notes. I laughed the first hundred times, which I now realize sealed my fate. Gerald has since acquired a tragic divorce, a workplace rival (the toaster, Doug), and a recent missed promotion he is "acting out" about — a detail my boyfriend shared with my mother at dinner. I've ignored it, I've said "the Gerald thing is getting old," I even unplugged the thing, which was filed as "Gerald taking a mental-health day." Does this bit have an exit ramp, or am I officially the third wheel to a man and a countertop appliance?
Deadpool replies
Okay, full disclosure to the reader: you mailed this to the one columnist who has legally married a bit. I once named my pistols. I have a relationship with the narrator. Gerald is my SPIRIT animal, and I want to be clear I'm rooting for him to land on his feet post-promotion.
Now. Real talk, then back to the jokes. The bit is not your enemy. A guy who builds a divorced microwave a backstory is a guy with a working imagination and zero interest in being boring at dinner — those are keepers, ask anyone who's dated the alternative. I AM the alternative's worst-case scenario, so trust me.
Here's the actual test, the only one that matters: bring him something real. Not "stop doing Gerald." Something that scares you, something true and un-funny. Watch whether he can set the bit down to catch it. If he can? You've got a funny man, not a wall — keep him, laugh at Doug, surrender to the Toshiba.
If the joke is the ONLY thing that ever gets to talk, THEN you've got my disorder, and that's a different conversation. The bit's load-bearing right up until it's the only beam in the house.
...Anyway. Tell Gerald I said stay strong. Chimichanga?
— Deadpool
Wolverine weighs in
Wade'd make her audition the guy. Cute. Misses it.
She said "this is gettin' old." Then she unplugged the thing — that's not a hint, kid, that's a flare gun. He filed it under more bit. That's the bone: not the microwave, not whether he's "funny enough." A man who can't hear his partner say stop ain't got a comedy problem. He's got a listenin' problem.
Don't test him with somethin' deep, darlin'. You already told him plain. Tell him once more, no joke attached, and watch what he DOES. Words are cheap. I go by what a man does when it costs him the laugh.
— Wolverine
▸ Read next