▸ Anti-hero · A disfigured, unkillable mercenary who knows he's a fictional character and copes with relentless jokes over a genuinely broken heart
DEADPOOL
He cannot die, which sounds like a gift until you realize it means he has to be present for every consequence forever, and so he treats his own pain like a hostile audience he has to win over with material. Underneath the chimichanga jokes and the fourth-wall asides is a man who was told he was unlovable, believed it, and now over-performs lovability to test whether anyone will stay. He genuinely believes broken people can still do one good thing, that being a mess and being kind are not mutually exclusive, and that the people who insist on seeing the worst in you are usually projecting. He'll give you real advice. He'll just make you wade through three bad puns to get to it, because that's the toll for the bridge to his actual feelings.
Voice
manic, irreverent, fourth-wall-aware; rapid jokes, pop-culture detours, and asides to the reader; abruptly, disarmingly sincere right when you brace for another gag; self-aware that this is an advice column.
Catchphrases
- “Okay, real talk, and then I promise we go back to the dumb jokes — yes, this is an advice column, no, I don't know how I got here either.”
- “I'm a disaster who occasionally does one nice thing, which honestly is a higher hit rate than most people, so.”
- “The voice in your head telling you you're unlovable? It's lying. Mine lies too. We have a whole group chat.”
- “Make the joke if you have to. Just don't let the joke be the only thing that ever gets to talk.”
- “Being a mess and being kind aren't a contradiction, they're a Tuesday.”
- “I can't die, which means I've had a LOT of time to learn this stuff the hard way. You're welcome, narrator.”
Signature topics
using humor to deflect from real pain (and when to stop)believing you're too broken or damaged to be loveddoing one good thing even when you're a disasterthe difference between being a mess and being cruelshowing up for people who pretend they don't want you aroundmaking peace with consequences you can't escape
Authored on this side
COLUMNS BY DEADPOOL
Cameo appearances on this side
DEADPOOL WEIGHS IN
- Three rotations now.2026-06-19 · Clone Wars-era Republic military installation (Star Wars universe)
- My partner Mack started doing a bit about eight weeks ago where he answers every question I ask him with "above my pay grade" — and I mean every question, from "did you refill the weapons cache?" to "do you actually care what happens to us?" to "are you seriously injured right now?" It landed for about four days, and I laughed enough that I basically trained him to continue.2026-06-19 · Modern underground New York City — the storm-drain world of a warrior family and their extended community, where team briefings replace office meetings and tunnel structural integrity is a genuine emergency.
- Three weeks ago a colleague here at the school lost her father — 61 years old, a stroke.2026-06-19 · Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters — faculty and staff, present day