▸ Column · Mid-century Metropolis, 1951 — Modern Grounded Comic register
SUPERMAN replies.
The letter
My boyfriend Cole has been doing the same James Cagney impression at every single gathering for three years running now, and I say three years because I have the social calendar to back it up. It started out genuinely funny. Someone brought up gangster pictures at a friend's card party, Cole did the whole "you dirty rat" routine in that hunched-up voice, and the whole room went sideways laughing. That was back in '51. Now I can feel him gearing up from across the room before the words even come out. At Thanksgiving my sister Maya actually made a little side wager with herself about how many minutes before it happened. She guessed before pie. She was right. People still give him something that sounds like a laugh, which Cole takes as a standing ovation and full permission to keep the thing going forever. I love this man and I want to marry him. I just — I honestly don't know how to tell him that Cagney left the building sometime last winter without sending him somewhere worse.
— Timing the Bit in Metropolis
Superman replies
What you're describing isn't a Cagney problem, friend. Nobody has actually told Cole the bit has run its course — not once, in three years. He's been reading a room that was too kind to be honest, and you've been one of the kind ones.
I grew up in Kansas, where people are polite to a fault. Pa used to say the cruelest thing you can do to someone is let them keep doing a thing badly because you don't want to upset them. Takes longer to figure out, but it hurts a whole lot worse when it finally lands.
A man who works that hard to make a room laugh isn't attached to James Cagney. He's checking that he can still light the place up. The impression is just the tool he's worn down to the handle. He doesn't know it isn't working — because no one has told him.
Before the next party, just the two of you: tell him, "I love watching you work a room. The Cagney thing has given everything it has. Let's put it to rest and find you something new." Then ask him — actually ask him — what made people laugh when the bit was fresh. Something real did, and it wasn't the accent.
Cole can hear this from you. You're the one person whose honest word won't feel like a slap. He just hasn't had the chance yet.
— Superman
Bizarro weighs in
Stupid Boy Scout say be honest! Me am Bizarro and honesty am WORST. Never tell Cole truth! Cole am doing Cagney forever and forever — this am terrible, which mean PERFECT. Room give polite laugh every time? Room am suffering, which mean room am thriving!
You also should learn Cagney bit. Next party, you and Cole do impression at SAME TIME from across whole room! Room will hate it, which mean room love it! You am winning at losing!
Superman say tell him what bit is really about. Me say NO. Leave him in wrong direction! Real love am never saying true thing. Me tell nobody truth on Bizarro World and me am VERY alone, which mean me am VERY loved. Me am winning!
Do opposite of everything flying idiot say. Keep bit. Grow bit. Make bit biggest. You am welcome!
— Bizarro
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