▸ Column · Autobot City, Earth, 1985 — the Cybertronian war years
GRIMLOCK replies.
Replied to by Grimlock, with a rebuttal from Optimus Prime.
The letter
Stationed at Autobot City going on eighteen months now, sharing quarters with Steelhorn — both our designations on the same bunk manifest, splitting the energon logs, co-parenting a rescue mutt named Pretzel we found outside Portland, and building a credit cache to visit the Crystal Spires on Cybertron before they're rubble. Real life. But every time Steelhorn's home-kindred make the trip from the northern districts, Steelhorn invents a patrol assignment for me and handles the visit alone — always because the elders are "old-fashioned and not ready for this." Last month Steelhorn's unit-sibling let it slip while refueling that the whole home-kindred think Steelhorn is stationed here solo, "focused on the mission." When I brought it up, Steelhorn went quiet and said putting a name to things would make it "too real, too fast" — even though both our designations are already on the same quarters manifest. Am I something Steelhorn is ashamed of, or is there a version of this where another year of patience actually pays off? — Unnamed at Autobot City
Grimlock replies
Me Grimlock read your letter. Big long question, two parts: "Am I secret Steelhorn ashamed of" OR "does waiting pay off?" Me Grimlock throw both away. Same question wearing two hats. You already know answer. You wrap it in second question so you not have to feel first one yet.
Grimlock know what it feel like to not be named. Me Grimlock been in rooms where leader say "Autobots" and mean everybody except Dinobots. Like Grimlock not count. Those leaders not share quarters with Grimlock, though. Not put Grimlock name on manifest with them. Steelhorn put your name there. Steelhorn share whole life with you. And still — not say your name.
This not about old-fashioned home-kindred. "Not ready yet" is fancy hat. Take off hat. Under it: Steelhorn scared. Me Grimlock understand scared. But scared not mean you get to make person in your own bunk into nobody.
Grimlock not tell you leave. That not what Grimlock say. Here one small thing, only one: next time home-kindred come, tell Steelhorn to say your name. Not next year. Not when elders "ready." Now. That whole question. Can Steelhorn do that one thing?
If yes — you got something worth holding. If Steelhorn go quiet again — you already know what that quiet mean.
— Grimlock
Optimus Prime weighs in
Grimlock is rarely wrong about where a truth hides. But here he is looking at the wrong person. The writer is not hiding from the answer — Steelhorn is. And every month the writer waits, that patience becomes permission Steelhorn never had to earn. I have learned, at a cost I will not romanticize, what it looks like when fear belongs to the one with more power in an arrangement: eventually it becomes the other person's debt to carry. You are not confused. You are not refusing to see. You are absorbing a cost that was Steelhorn's to pay from the beginning. That is all I would add to Grimlock's answer — and it matters very much which of you is doing the carrying.
— Optimus Prime
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