▸ Column · Suburban backyard, autumn mornings, dew on the deck
BATMAN replies.
The letter
My cat will not stop bringing me dead mice. He lines them up on the back porch like a presentation. The vet says he loves me. I would prefer he love me less specifically. How do I show appreciation without encouraging the offerings? Also, my husband refuses to dispose of them, so I have become The Lady Who Handles The Mice. — Yours, In A Robe And Tongs
Batman replies
This isn't a behavior problem. It's a relationship he's defining. He brings prey because he's decided you can't hunt. You can't out-message that with disapproval. You'll teach him you're disappointed in him and the mice will keep coming, just routed somewhere worse. Change the meaning of the gift. When he brings one, don't react. No praise. No revulsion. Pick it up. Move on with your morning. The lineup is theater. Theater needs an audience. Stop being one. The husband is a separate problem. The mice aren't his because he's decided they aren't his. Decide they aren't yours either, the next time. They will be his by attrition. People learn what you teach them to learn.
— Batman
The Joker weighs in
Oh, I love this question. I love how Batman just told you, with the slow serious chin, that the cat is teaching you to be quiet about feedback. I'll tell you what — keep the mice. Display them. Photograph them. Name them. Make a Christmas card. Your husband refuses to handle the mice? Mail him one. From the cat. Signed 'with love.' If the cat's running a theater company, you join the troupe. There are no mice. There are only PROPS. Now write back when you've got something harder, like a murder. Ha-ha-HA!
— The Joker