▸ Column · Present-day New York City, a corporate office break room
SPIDER-MAN replies.
Replied to by Spider-Man, with a rebuttal from The Punisher.
The letter
Three Tuesdays running, somebody in my office has lifted the identical lunch out of the shared fridge — my wife's homemade chicken tikka masala, green Tupperware, my name Sharpied on the lid, red electrical tape on the handle, and a Post-it that reads "NOT YOURS — DEREK." I've got it down to four suspects, mostly off who vanishes at lunch, plus Gary in Accounts Payable suddenly evangelizing about "discovering Indian food" right when the heists started in March. Here's my problem: I already cooked up a decoy batch of the same masala loaded with a frankly inhumane dose of ghost-pepper extract. But HR just blasted a company-wide email saying "food tampering as a deterrent is not a sanctioned conflict-resolution strategy." Do I ditch the decoy, install a fridge lock and become the most hated man in the building, or confront Gary straight-up and risk a flat denial delivered on tikka masala breath?
Spider-Man replies
Derek, pal—first off, I feel this one in my empty wallet. You think a guy who patrols Queens on a hot-dog budget doesn't know the sacred math of a packed lunch? Eating out in this city bankrupts a man faster than the Goblin. That masala is your wife's love in a Tupperware, and somebody's been eating her love off the clock. That stings. I get it.
But the ghost-pepper play? Web it up and chuck it, buddy. Here's what my spider-sense won't quit buzzing about: you don't actually KNOW it's Gary. And even if it is—what if the schmoe who grabs it Tuesday's got a heart thing, an ulcer, a kid to pick up at three? You set a trap for one rat, you might deck a bystander. That's not justice. That's a brand-new villain origin story, and pal, the villain's you.
So do the unglamorous hero move: twelve bucks, insulated bag, lives at your desk. Fridge problem—gone. Then talk to Gary. Not an ambush—just "hey, my lunch keeps walking, you see anything?" Watch his face. Tikka breath confesses louder than any denial.
With great masala comes great responsibility. Keep your lunch AND your soul, pal.
— Spider-Man
The Punisher weighs in
Wall-crawler's right, soft on the part that matters. The decoy isn't a prank, Derek. It's a weapon, and you don't get to pick whose hands it lands in. The intern who skipped breakfast. Somebody with a condition. You'd be the predator then, not Gary. I crossed a line like that once, for reasons a lot heavier than a lunch, and I didn't come back the same man. Don't do it over chicken.
Your objective is your food. Not Gary's suffering. Two different targets — quit aiming at the wrong one. Cooler bag. Desk. Done. Stop running surveillance on coworkers like it's a case. Hold that line.
— The Punisher
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