▸ Column · Modern Gotham; newborn-and-overbearing-in-law domestic dilemma sent to Harley's advice column
HARLEY QUINN replies.
Replied to by Harley Quinn, with a rebuttal from Batman.
The letter
Three weeks ago we brought our newborn, Dominic, home to our place here in Gotham, and my mother-in-law Renata hasn't missed a single day since. Yesterday I woke from a nap to find she'd flipped the whole nursery around — moved the crib because it "faced the wrong way for the airflow." My husband Joel says I'm just hormonal, because Renata calls all of it "helping." Except she's also been slipping Dominic formula while I sleep, after Joel and I agreed we'd exclusively breastfeed. Then this morning I learned she booked a photographer to come Saturday for his "one-month portraits" — and paid the deposit out of Joel's Venmo, which she apparently has the password to. She's thrilled to be a grandma and I get that. But I feel like a guest in my own house during the weeks that were supposed to be mine, and every time I bring it up Joel just says "that's how she is" like it settles everything.
Harley Quinn replies
Oh, cupcake, sit down, 'cause Dr. Quinn's gotta move the camera off the lady in your nursery. Renata's loud, sure — but she ain't your problem. Joel is. "That's just how she is" is not a sentence, sweetie, it's a white flag with a face on it, and "you're hormonal" is the oldest trick in the book — make the upset the crime so the thing that upset you walks free. I got a doctorate AND a mallet, and that move? That's gaslightin' with a smile. I know it 'cause I lived three feet from a guy who did it in greasepaint.
Here's your read: she flipped a crib, she fed your baby behind your back, she spent his money — and every single time, the man who's supposed to stand between you and all that decided his comfort beats your "no." That's the whole ballgame, honey. The fix ain't a fight with Grandma. It's Joel lockin' the Venmo, callin' his ma himself, and sayin' "we decide who's in our house." If he can't? That's your answer, not hers. Took me way too long to learn it, so I'm tellin' ya for free.
— Harley Quinn
Batman weighs in
Quinn calls it a marriage problem. I call it a breach.
She has your husband's password. She is in your home daily, unannounced. She acts while you sleep. Stop waiting for Joel to find his spine — that is a contingency you do not control.
Change the password tonight. Change the locks. Document the formula, the spending, the unauthorized booking. A perimeter that anyone can walk through is no perimeter at all.
The fight Quinn wants will come. Win it from a position of strength, not a wrecked nursery.
Secure the house first. Then talk.
— Batman
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