▸ Column · The Hidden Leaf Village (Konoha) of the ninja world, among working shinobi and their gatherings.
HINATA HYUGA replies.
Replied to by Hinata Hyuga, with a rebuttal from Naruto Uzumaki.
The letter
A fellow kunoichi I'm fond of — I'll call her Ayame — has now backed out of the last five gatherings I've invited her to: the small meal for my birthday, two quiet evenings of cards, the little celebration when I moved into new quarters, and most recently a festival performance I'd reserved her a seat for and paid for in advance. Every time she swears she's coming, right up until the day of, and then about an hour before she sends some version of "forgive me, something's come up," and I'm left scrambling to fill the spot or simply eating the cost. What stings is that she turns up faithfully to everyone else's gatherings — I've heard about them afterward. I truly like her and don't think she dislikes me, but I'm tired of feeling foolish for keeping the invitations coming. Is there a way to say something without ruining the friendship, or should I just quietly stop including her and accept that this is who she is?
Hinata Hyuga replies
Um — before anything else, please stop calling yourself foolish. You kept your door open to someone five times over. That isn't foolishness. That's a kind of loyalty most people don't have the steel for, and you can't see it because it's quiet, the way quiet things usually are.
I know both the choices you're holding. One of them — "just quietly stop including her" — I'd gently ask you not to take, not yet. That's the giving-up door, and it's very hard to reopen once it's shut, and it lets you off the harder, braver thing.
The braver thing is so small it might not look like courage. One true sentence, said warmly, the next time you see her: "When you cancel at the last moment, it hurts, and I've started to wonder if I should keep asking." That's all. Not an accusation. Just your own heart, spoken while your hands are shaking.
I froze in front of people I loved for years rather than say one honest thing. I learned — from someone who never once gave up — that you don't wait to feel brave first. You speak, still afraid, and that is exactly what courage looks like from the inside.
— Hinata Hyuga
Naruto Uzumaki weighs in
Hinata's right that you can't just ghost her — don't you dare quit on somebody. But one honest sentence about YOUR hurt? That's only half, ya know? Look at the pattern: she shows up everywhere else and bails on you, every single time, an hour out. That's not a person who doesn't care. That's a person who got scared or ashamed about something and your gatherings are where it's leaking out. My best friend pushed everyone away too, and underneath it was pain nobody bothered to see. So yeah — say your piece. Then actually ask her, "Hey, what's really going on?" Believe it.
— Naruto Uzumaki
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