▸ Column · Modern Gotham — gothic noir, contemporary dating scene
BATMAN replies.
The letter
I matched with a guy on Hinge about four months ago — his name's Owen — and we've actually been on two dates. Both were genuinely good, which is the confusing part. It's everything in between that's been killing me. He'll go dark for almost a week, then send something like "hope Gotham hasn't eaten you alive this Monday" right at the exact moment I've finally talked myself into moving on. And every time I draft a "are we actually doing this?" message, he resurfaces with just enough warmth that I delete it and tell myself I'm being impatient.
My friend Charlotte has gotten a little obsessive about it, honestly. She started screenshotting his texts and timing the gaps. Last week she pointed out he only ever reaches out on Sunday nights. Every single time. (I didn't want to believe her at first.) I know what that probably means. I just can't figure out if I'm being strung along or if I'm the one refusing to read what's obviously right in front of me.
— Waiting in the Narrows
Batman replies
Charlotte already ran the case. Sunday nights, every time. That's not a pattern — that's a schedule. You're the entry he files under "fallback."
I've spent years watching people who had no idea they were being watched. Everyone reveals themselves eventually. Owen revealed himself weeks ago. You kept asking for more evidence when you already had enough to act on.
Alfred told me once: "You only ask the question when you're not ready to act on the answer." Been right every time I tested it.
You have the intelligence. Charlotte documented it. You don't need another Sunday night text to close this file.
Gotham is full of people who know exactly what's happening to them and choose the comfortable version of the story instead. That's how they end up in my city at 2 a.m. wondering how things got this far.
Cut the thread. Or don't. But stop telling yourself you can't see what this is. You saw it before you wrote me. That's exactly why you wrote me.
— Batman
The Joker weighs in
Ha! Oh, how very Bat of him. "Cut the thread." Like you're a cold case file, not a person with a pulse.
Here's the punchline he missed, sweetheart: Charlotte. Charlotte is the one awake at midnight documenting Owen's Sunday habits. Charlotte built the case file. Owen can barely remember your last date — and your best friend is losing sleep over his texting schedule. Who's actually invested in you here?
Don't cut anything. Become the chaos. Text Owen on a Tuesday. Text him from Charlotte's phone. Show up somewhere he doesn't expect.
Stable and predictable is just a slow decline with better lighting. This tension you're feeling? That's you being alive, ha-ha-HA! The Bat wants to solve you like a crime scene. I want to watch you bloom. Big difference.
— The Joker
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